Not so hungry...

It's 2:45am and I'm at work. I had a busy night. When I woke up before coming to work I felt irritable, shaky, and nauseous. My blood sugar was 106. I should've eaten before I came to work, because once I got here I was running from the beginning, I ended up not eating until around midnight.
I hope this initial shock to my system doesn't last very long. I feel like I'm trippin. I'm grouchy, and tired, and anxious about what I'm going to eat and if I'm going to be hungry. It's such a head trip. It's tiring to constantly be in your head, exerting will power.
I don't want to fail...I don't want to fail...I don't want to fail !

Hunger

April 12th

I don't want to be fat.....but I don't like being hungry. I'm in my own personal mind battle. Yesterday a flood of emotions overcame me. I realized I'm scared of failing, scared of being hungry, disappointed at the state my physical body is in, not attractive, not strong. I have to constantly be in my head telling myself I can do it. I NEED to do it. I HAVE to do it. I WILL do it.

I realized I don't even know what I "really" look like. My whole adult life I have been severly overweight. What will my face look like? What will my figure look like? Will I be attractive? Will I be beautiful? Will my skin sag...and my boobs disappear? Welcome to the conversations that are my internal voice...

Well, here I am. In all my glory. 267 pounds of unhealthy. Let's review shall we...I'm 33, going to be 34 on May 6th. I still consider myself to be "young". I have hypothyroidism, polycystic ovarian syndrome, insulin dependent diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, oh yeah I can't forget the "fatty" liver. That sounds like an UNhealthy 85 year old! And let's not forget the regime of meds I have to take everyday...although I wish I could.

I'm calling my blog "In the Beginning" because that's what I'm trying to create for myself; a new beginning. If I don't my "end" will be a lot sooner than i want it to be. And that's a harsh reality to face. I am a nurse. I am not perfect. I have my own health issues to deal with. So here I am...I'm doing it. I signed up for the weight loss clinic through my hospital and I'm going to keep track of my progress through this blog. I don't officially start until May 20 something, but I've tried to start some of the food changes at home by myself starting yesterday.

God help me...God give me the strength I need to love myself enough to do this for myself.